Cicadapocalypse: The End (almost)

Well, the disgusting and relentless cicada invasion of 2021 is almost over. The stench of rotting carcasses - the delicious second-to-last phase of this experience (more on that later) -

has finally lifted, and only a few unlucky strays remain, flying about, looking for love in all the wrong places.

Jeana and I spent most of last weekend cleaning and repairing the damage caused by these little monsters - as well as moving the majority of the bug bodies into the woods, where they will fertilize whatever the hell grows out there. Probably those damn pricker bushes…

As always, I have a few observations/lessons learned from this character-building experience:

• The planning for where we will live in our retirement is now significantly influenced by the Brood X map. Sure, go ahead and make fun…but if you’re so smart, try it face-to-face with Jeana. It won’t end well for you.

• Apparently the sound of the leaf blower has, to the cicadas, the same effect as Viagra has on underperforming male humans. I unknowingly conducted primary research to reach this conclusion when I tried to remove the bug bodies from the deck and front walkway. And while you think you could just turn the blower on them to keep them away: no. That proved to be a fruitless and futile exercise…although I am sure that any video of my attempt to do that would go viral in seconds. Unfortunately (for you all and the National Comedy Center located in beautiful Jamestown, NY), that video doesn’t exist. Or does it?

• A lot of you out there are either biologists/entomologists or just creepy bug lovers. Go nuts. We’ll sell our house to you with only a 20% markup. You have plenty of time to prepare for the next invasion.

• We did everything we could to ensure that our dogs did not eat them (which they really, really wanted to do), but the fact that, combined, they’ve thrown up 4,265 times in the last six weeks suggests that we may have been woefully unsuccessful in that endeavor.

• These flying menaces also are a bit like cockroaches. If you see one (especially in your car), there are probably a lot more hiding (and dying) somewhere in there. To wit, our daughter’s car seems to have definitively proven this theory. To say that there were a lot of deceased red-eyed creatures from the nether depths of Hell under her hood would be an understatement. And, they provided a wonderful aroma, especially when using the A/C. No amount of Febreeze or lime dust could put a dent in that stench. Note that it would have been most helpful if she actually TOLD us about it before Jeana got into said car and almost wretched. Teenagers….

• Finally, I’ll agree that the periodic cicada cycle is an amazing phenomenon of nature (especially when it isn’t in the “flying into you because I’ll tap anything that moves” phase). However, I would be much more comfortable observing it from a distance. Again, if you think I’m whining, come on over in 2038 and enjoy it all first-hand.

Next from the universe: the actual final phase of this experience, when the newly-formed cicada nymphs drop gracefully from the trees to begin their 17-year underground odyssey – only to land on your head instead. Yup. Best life.