Living with Dave - A Top 10 List

You all may not know this but, despite my bubbly, optimistic social media persona, I can – yes, it is true – be a challenge to be around at times. No, no, it’s okay. In fact, as I write this post, there’s a woman in my house who keeps trying to take my laptop away and provide some of her own so-called “facts” to support that premise.

But seriously – I’m now 53 (which is such an ugly prime number anyway), the world seems to be approaching end-stage, I’m carrying a little too much around the middle, my hair is now giving up the fight and beginning to leave me, I’m married to a perfect genius, and I have two “active” children who, during the past few years, seem to have decided (or have been pushed to it by their mother) that they are also in charge of improving me “for my own good.” So you can see how difficult I have it. Right? And you can see how I should be able to do and say what I want, even if I’m somewhat moderately repetitive?

Well, apparently no one around here sees it my way. So, in the spirit of self-improvement and “birthday resolutions’” (which will not last one second longer than New Year’s resolutions), I worked with these people to create the “Top 10 Things the Family Thinks Dad Needs to Stop Saying around the House.” Of course, Dad jokes are not included because I will NEVER stop offering those – and swearing isn’t just gonna go away by itself, either.

10. “Why do *I* have to do it?!” You see, sometimes I don’t want to do whatever it is that needs to be done. We have two perfectly healthy children to do most of what needs to be accomplished. I shouldn’t have to do it. So there. So there?

9. “What did you do with my ____?!” This is usually aimed at Jeana, and usually met with Death Stare 3 (out of 5. Five is nuclear). Inevitably – nay, miraculously – whatever “it” is shows up in the exact place I left it. Amazing.

8. “Hey! Guess what happens next?!” This is inevitable if I have seen the movie/show/thing we are watching. I cannot help myself. At this point, however, I am no longer able to give anything away because I am shouted down – and sometimes kicked out of the room – before I can say anything else.

7. “Ok, just let me finish my game first…” Look, I am addicted to Golf Clash. I’ll admit it. But I can’t just stop in the middle of a game because someone is about to fall down the stairs or something is burning in the kitchen. I’d lose coins! Sometimes people just don’t understand.

6. “But I just sat down!” This is different than #10 because I am 53 now so when I’m sitting, it takes a fair (incredible) amount of effort to get back up, especially if I am in my favorite chair having just kicked the dog off it it and it’s all warm. It is clear, however, that no one here cares about that. And it is also clear – based on responses ranging from “SERIOUSLY?!” to “It won’t kill you to stand up!” that no one really cares...AT ALL.

5. “Oooh…this is my favorite part!” Another impulse that I cannot ignore when we’re watching something I have seen before. My children claim that I say this 76 times per 30 minutes of family viewing. Movies, sit-coms, mini-series, docudramas…you name it. Hey, I have a lot of favorite parts!

4. “You have the most powerful computer in the history of the world RIGHT in your hands…” Based on the questions they ask me on an hourly basis, my children clearly believe I am a genius. “Dad, how many home runs did Cal Ripken hit in 1991?” “Dad, what’s that thing called that spins the stuff into a whatchacallit?” I don’t know these things (Ok, Cal hit 34 homeruns in 1991, the most he ever hit in a season, was MVP that year, etc.). So I developed a really good true standard response. It doesn’t work much anymore because, at this point, I am drowned out by the time I get to the word “powerful" (which I emphasize) with “OK DAD! OK DAD!” So I guess I win?

3. “Has anyone seen my glasses?” Ok, so I can’t find my glasses a lot. And I have to tell you – it’s HARDER to find your glasses when you can’t freaking SEE because you don’t have your glasses. OK?!?!

2. “Oh yeah – I did that yesterday…” This is Jeana’s favorite. I say it several times a day as an answer to one of her many “follow-up” questions. It is safe to say that she does not ever ever ever believe me when I say this. It is also theoretically possible that I hadn’t done it and then rush off to do it right after I say this. But that has never happened, and I don’t know WHY she thinks I would ever do that. Geesh.

1. “Damn it! Where is my phone?!” This is by far the number one annoying thing I say on an incredibly frequent basis. The only reason the glasses one isn’t higher is that I can get by without my glasses for a decent period of time. That is not the case with the phone and, given that fact, you would think I would not lose it 13 times an hour, like I do. But you would also think that my family would be more sympathetic. Not the case. “Do you want me to call it – AGAIN?!” is the number one HELPFUL response from the others. And it doesn’t help because it’s usually on silent so that they don’t know I’m playing Golf Clash, even though they know anyway.