Updated House Rules Regarding the Cicadapocalypse

The Brood X Cicadapocalypse has hit us full force with idiot male bugs flying everywhere looking to engage in some extra-curricular activities before their upcoming expiration. Despite how fun that sounds (I'm talking about the flying bugs here), it is not. So we have updated the previously non-existing house rules to address the situation.

• The garage door stays closed unless you’re coming or going. No exceptions - especially for Sofia, who always leaves the garage door open. Tutorials on actually using the garage opener are available daily after 6 pm when the f#ckbugs have exhausted themselves one way or another.

• You have 3 seconds to come in the door and shut it. Failure to comply will result in the offender standing in the woods making clicking sounds (which attract the males) for 5 minutes. The clicking timeframe will increase by five (5) minute increments for each subsequent failure.

• If you let one of these disgusting fiends into the house or garage, you get it out. If we can’t tell who let it in, the children will alternate the task of getting it out. Arguing about whose turn it is will not be tolerated. You may trade your turns for fair and equal compensation.

• You must not allow the dogs to snack on these unspeakably gross but potentially tasty creatures. Do not ever assume that the dogs will not try to - or learn not - to eat them. Failure to follow this rule will be punished by the offender cleaning the puke of the dog who ate these disgusting creatures. And yes, there will be body parts in the chunks.

• The front walk, driveway, and deck will be cleared a minimum of every other day. The leaf blower has been renamed “The Unspeakably Objectionable Bug Blower” at least until 15 July.

• Expect to come in regular, disgusting contact with these flying beasts from the depths of Hell. It is strongly advised that you carry something to flick them off of your body when outdoors. Hats are optional but a very good idea, especially for those with a lot of beautiful curly hair (Jeana, I am speaking in your direction).

• If they bump into you, you are allowed one yelp. Two or more yelps, or more than one spastic freakdance, will cost you $5 per offense.

• If they land on you, you may scream for three (3) seconds if they land on clothing; five (5) seconds if they land on skin. See above for transgression fees.

• If they fly into your mouth, you will be immediately transported to the nearest emergency room. And you have unlimited yelps screams (if you can with a bug in your mouth), and/or freakdances.

• Keep all beverages covered while outdoors. If one of these red-eyed ambassadors of doom land in your beverage, you must immediately throw said beverage at least 30 feet way from me. If you can't throw that far, Jamie has a really good arm. If one of them gets in your mouth as a result of your ignorance, you will be immediately transferred to the nearest emergency room, again with unlimited reactions.

• Dave is allowed to post cicada updates on Facebook every other day at a maximum. Failure to comply will result in dirty looks, smart-ass comments - and lectures about what other people think - from Jeana.

• Finally, do your best to not run over/squash/grind (especially in the lawnmower) these vulgar bastards. Remember that they spent the last seventeen (17) years underground dreaming of getting some lovin'. Much like human males, these idiotic bumblers are on a singular mission to take a trip to pound town. Let’s allow them to do the forbidden polka and die a happy death. Of course, if you encounter a sex-crazed creature with no butt, kill that hideous humper with extreme prejudice. In reality, they're zombies, and they're already dead.

Please note that these rules will likely be updated as household residents experience unexpected horrific episodes.