Updated House Rules Regarding the Current Demise of the A/C

Ok, things are now getting serious. As in seriously FUBAR! Oops. Sorry. This is a family show.

So guess what? Our air conditioning died yesterday. Well, it's not DEAD dead, just mostly dead...as in the core froze for the 5,397th time...in the past three years. Ok, the past two years. And sure it's September, and summer may be over for some of you...but this is Maryland. And some scientists (I think four out of five...like the dentists for that gum...why didn't the fifth one agree again?) believe that the planet is melting faster than the speed of something slower. As a result, it's hotter outside than a blister bug in a pepper patch. And it's actually hotter INSIDE the house. Because yeah.

OK, back to the long, rambling story. We have what you would call a vintage...nay, antique...air conditioning system. Our home was built in 1995 so the A/C unit has been here...CORRECT! Since 1995! It's a young 26. And before you send me an email or call me to tell me your brilliant advice, YES we KNOW we should get a new one. And YES, we KNOW that this one will be sleeping with the fishes at any given time. But have you SEEN how much these things are? Anyway, we'll probably be hitting the black market on the dark web tomorrow to find freon, but it will still be cheaper than a new one.

As a result of this latest gift from the universe, I established some new house rules for the duration of the outage (the HVAC company gave us a timeframe of sometime between 7 a.m. - 9:25 p.m. in the next 1-87 days).

• Complaints will not be tolerated. Suck it up, buttercup. Yes, we know it's hot and it sucks and you're disgusting and smelly and you also stink.

  • To that end, if anyone says, "HOT ENOUGH FOR YA???" they will immediately be launched into the sun.

• If you have the opportunity to go to someone else's house, you must take Covid precautions the entire time you are there. You also must take us with you.

• Regarding lighting: you are permitted to use LED lights or flashlights only. Small candles are also permitted when it's dark. Anyone using incandescent lighting and/or torches will have to sleep on the deck. Sounds nice, you say? There's one additional catch: no bug spray. Yeah, I thought so.

• To escape the oppressive heat of the house - and the incessant and illegal whining of the other family members - you may spend up to one hour sitting in the idling car (provided it is in the driveway), or up to three hours per day driving aimlessly on the empty roads (except for Jamie - he needs to stay in the neighborhood, as he is only 13).

  • If you wish to sit in the garage with the doors closed while the car is idling, you must get permission from all other members of the family - including the dogs. If you catch the humans at the right time, you will likely receive their enthusiastic approval.

• Use of the oven, toaster, coffee maker, or any other appliance or device that generates more heat than eating celery is punishable by something really bad. I haven't figured that punishment out yet because it's too darn hot in here to think clearly, as evidenced by this story so far.

• If you find a cool spot anywhere on our property, you must notify the rest of the family immediately.

  • The order of priority for occupying the cool spot follows below:

    • The dogs

    • Me

      • I mean Jeana

    • The children (Sofia first - be quiet, Jamie)

    • The little spider living in the hall closet

    • Dave

• When the HVAC person finally shows up, you may celebrate at a safe distance (six feet or more), and you must wear your most festive mask. You also may decorate the furnace with signs saying things like, "I love you, HVAC person," and "Thank you for saving our family." Biodegradable streamers are also allowed.

• No, we are not going to a hotel.

Please note that these rules will likely be updated as household residents experience heat exhaustion, sun exhaustion, family exhaustion, and unconsciousness.